For Preventing the Children of Rich People in The United States from Being a Burden on the Middle and Lower Classes, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public
By Heidi Butler
It is a troubling site to behold, traveling throughout the residential streets of any major city in The United States, and seeing the sidewalks crowded with Nannies, followed by three, four, or six Children, all wearing name-brand clothing, while their own caretakers are donned in cheap leggings and layers of thin, worn-through fabrics. These childcare workers, instead of being able to work for an honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time working to ultimately be paid low wages, under the table, by wealthy parents who are able to get away with avoiding paying their own taxes with little or no consequence.
I think we can all agree that, given the number of children that the wealthiest American citizens are able to create, and the fact that the wealthy tend to show little to no regard for the moral well-being or general upbringing of their offspring in the present deplorable state of the Nation, we could find a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound and useful members of the country in a way that could serve the general public.
My intention is far from confined to only the surplus children of wealthy; beyond simply the fifth or so child of a twice divorced trust-fund heir, but rather would be open to any wealthy person who would rather receive a tax credit than raise their own progeny.
Having thought over the socioeconomic inequalities that plague our current cultural climate, it has become clear to me that the American People have grossly mistaken the lengths to which the presently wealthy and powerful will go to in order to make and hoard more money. In the general public's efforts to seek out greener sources of food and energy, and with the proven knowledge that the wealthy and powerful will go as far as endangering the lives of children for a profit, I propose that we find a manner in which the sons and daughters of the wealthy may be used in order to feed the 99%.
I have been assured by a very knowing American television chef that a young, healthy child is a delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will serve equally well over a plate of fettuccine alfredo.
There is likewise another great advantage to my scheme, in that it will prevent the voluntary abortions that the wealthiest men in our country pay for in an attempt to hide their own infidelities and bastard children, all the while they feel comfortable villainizing women in poverty who seek out the same services for the sake of their own health and well-being.
I do therefore humbly offer for public consideration that of the hoards of excess children birthed by the wealthy, who regularly avoid going to the necessary measures to raise and take part in the lives of their offspring, be exchangeable for a government tax credit for the parents. Children traded in for said credit will then be led to slaughter in order to feed those whose jobs still pay them less than the living wage in their community.
I think the advantages of my proposal are obvious, and far outweigh any moral argument a member of the 1% may offer in response to my call for eating the children of the wealthy.
Secondly, the wealthy would have a form of income from a manufacturing job that they could not possibly outsource to foreign child labor.
Thirdly, the world-renown ingenuity and creativity of American chefs may make the meat of wealthy children as internationally beloved as other American dishes, such as pizza, fortune cookies, or Doritos.